Lesson Number Seven: Hunter Pick-up Lines

Ladies,

My next topic is focusing on the hunters methods. (But I will be doing several lessons involving their tactics, seeing as this is a rather broad topic.) Some methods are completely appropriate and show their true devotion and admiration for you. But other methods, the methods I shall be warning you of, display the true shallowness of character in some hunters. We must be on guard at all times...

One method to be wary of is pick-up lines. Cheesy, gushy, obvious pick-up lines.

(For those of you who may not know what a "pick-up" line is, it's basically a stupid way of guys hitting on girls. And if you don't know what "hitting" on girls means, it means that they are flirting with them. No actual physical hitting is involved. And if you don't know what flirting is, basically it is a guy stating his interest in a girl by beating around the bush with a rather large stick. And if you don't know that "beating around the bush" is a metaphor and that I added "with a rather large stick" for emphasis....I PITY YOU!)

Anyways. Here are some examples:

::a girl drops a pack of sugar:: "Oh, you dropped your name-tag."

"Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?"

"If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be McGorgeous!"

"Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you."

"I hope there is a fireman around, because your smokin!"

"Are you lost? Because Heaven's a long ways from here."

"Your so hot, that when I look at you, I get tan."

"You float my Ark."

"For you, I would slay two Goliaths."

"Your hair is like a flock of goats, decending from Gilead."

"You shouldn't wear makeup-its messing with perfection."

"I bet your name's Mickey, 'cause you're so fine. You're so fine you blow my mind."

"I got you a birthday present ....me!"

"Hey baby, I can tell we both love the same things ....me!"

"Well baby what's it like looking at the man of you're dreams?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?"

"Hey, I just realized that you look a lot like my next girlfriend!"

"You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae!"

"Do you have a map? Cause I got lost in your eyes."

Whew! And those are just a few. I'm warning you ladies, never fall for pick-up lines like those. If they really care for you, you'd think they'd take more time to concoct a phrase that speaks volumes to your heart - rather than a sentence that speaks volumes of their lack of creativity.

Continue to walk in steadfast ladies. Never let a hunter woo you with one of these lines. It's pretty shallow water in that river... and you shouldn't be splashing. It's rustle and crackle babes, rustle and crackle...

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Six: 24/7 Rustling?

Deer Ladies,

Some of you may be wondering...must I rustle the leaves ALL the time? Morning, noon, and night?? Set your minds at rest. There are definitely times to take a break. And those times involve more than just you. Take a girl time! Or. A deer time.

This time not only gets you away from the monotonous task of alerting your hunters, it's a good bonding time with your fellow deer.

Plus, a sudden hush in the thicket is sure to cause some investigation....

"The hunter lowers his rifle. He listens. He smells the air. His heart thumps heavily in his chest. ::THUMP THUMP THUMP:: He advances slowly, quietly, toward the thick shrubbery. He stops. He listens. A bead of perspiration rolls down his leathery forehead. He quickly wipes it with a rough hand. He advances some more. He looks this way and that, not wanting some rabid deer to jump him. ::THUMP THUMP THUMP:: Calm down! He tells his heart. Finally, he reaches the thicket. Slowly, with a shaking hand, he carefully pushes aside the greenery, rifle ready to spring to action. He peeks around the branches into the tiny clearing. The shrubbery sways with the breeze.

Nothing. Just...nothing.

The hunter hangs his head for a moment. Gone. The deer gone. Just like that. Wait. He lifts his head. A smile crosses his handsome features. He will find her. He will hunt her down. He will woo her. Patting the butt of his rifle, he turns westward. A way into a deers heart is a determined hunter..."

See? Hunters love a challenge!! If we aren't always available, then we're playing hard-to-get. And they love it! Part of camouflage deeries. Part of camouflage.

So break open the popcorn and twizzlers and spend some time with your girl friends - er - deers! Away from the hunters. Stop rustling, stop crackling twigs. Stop revolving every moment of your life around the hunter. Leaf rustling is vital to a girl getting her man. But like anything else, you need some refreshment. A little break here and there...

So. I give you permission to take it. ;)

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Five: The Dropping Doe

Hello ladies,

I was inspired for my next lesson by a comment I received today. I quote...

"Pancake Woman-

Thank you for your deer comments (ha pun intended!) They have helped guide me in the right direction. However....I need your help. What does one do when the perfect hunter has his gun ready to go as I am rustling in the leaves pretending not to notice that he is about to shot me, but when he pulls the trigger, there is no bullet. What do I do? Do I run? Do I continue frolicking (this I am afraid would be too obvious). Is it ok for me to run away and leave droppings behind so he can find me again once he has reloaded? Or is this highly un-doe-like?

Sincerely,
Dropping Doe"

I never thought of this. No bullet! Nervous doe. Frolick? Run? Dropping doe. Oh dear.

Alright Dropping Doe (and anybody else who may be asking the same questions), you have nothing to worry about. Firstly, if no bullet is ejected it can only mean one thing...He is not your hunter. He thought he was yours, and you thought you were his. But. Destiny stopped the bullet. Reaction?

Continue to walk in the direction you were walking.

Don't add any extra swing into your step, no frolicking, no running away, and don't...drop anything. If it can be helped. I'm afraid that even if you were convinced he was still your hunter and you left some droppings, that would do anything but encourage his pursuit. A whole nother level of tracking I'm not quite sure these kind of hunters are prepared to do...

Ladies, these are the questions I never want you to be afraid to ask! Thank you dear Doe, for asking.

No dropping...or dripping. Just frolicking and skipping! I will talk of Meadow Time in my next post.

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

The Pancake Woman Q&A

Q. "Dear Pancake Woman,

I have a predicament. There are no hunters in sight! What do I do?

Sincerely,
Desperado"

A. Dear Desperado,

Fear not, dear one. You're not always supposed to see the hunter. When I talked about camouflage in my first lesson, I failed to mention that the hunters are JUST as camouflaged as you are, if not moreso sometimes. But you do have the upperhand. You have the better view; you're more familiar with your territory than he is; and your sense of smell is keener. Check for whiffs of bug spray, axe deoderant, etc. You may discover your hunter is nearer than you thought...

Yours truly,
The Pancake Woman


Q. "this is a sweet blog!! one question pancake woman - what if a deer jumps in front of you when your hunter finally sees you and aims? is there a rule among the deers on this subject that i am not aware of? because i think it is a shameful act."

A. Dear Worried Deer,

I am in complete agreement. Shameful indeed! Competition and cheating between the deer is a topic that is very broad, and I will be covering many of it's assets.

There are DEFINITELY rules for us deer. Rules 4 and 5 would answer your question. But I posted all of the rules for everyone's edification.

Take heart,
The Pancake Woman

The First 10 Limitations of Leaf Rustling

1. When a deer is of age, or maturity I suppose, they are allowed to stake claims upon the hunter of their choice, knowing full well that the only thing that would prevent that relationship would be the hunter's rejection. Another deer is not allowed to interfer with this claim. (Pancake woman here...I believe what this first rule is referring to, is the rule of tactfulness and care for our fellow deer. When a deer states their desire for a certain hunter, it seems rude for another deer to state their's too. But it doesn't mean the deer's affections are void. It merely means giving way to the former claim - but the claim may not be the outcome. Destiny will be the outcome.)

2. If a hunter rejects a deer, then that hunter is viewed as free from that claim. Thus, again available.

3. No deer is allowed to claim more than one hunter at a time. Distressing, I know.

4. No deer is allowed to jump in front of the "Bullet of Love" when it is meant for another deer.

5. But if it so happens that you are being targeted by a hunter, and another deer jumps in front of you to take the "Bullet of Love", you are free to take action. Tail pulling is the only thing strictly prohibited. Hoof stomping, hair pulling, teeth biting and gizzard punching is completely permissible. But ultimately, it comes down to... let the best deer win. (Hi, it's me the pancake woman, I just have to throw in one little comment here. When it says "let the best deer win", it really comes down to the hunter's type. He most likely won't go for the snobby-get-in-the-way-deer, so you really won't have to worry about it. But if he does go for the other deer, move on honey, move on. He isn't worthy of you.)

6. Staking claims on the best hunting areas is prohibited. It's a free country babes.

7. No deer is allowed to belly-flop into lakes without a Flopping License. (Pancake woman again...I just want to say that this rule is very necessary but I am not feeling compelled to explain it since we usually only have this problem with the Greenland breed and I believe they do not have internet access anyways.)

8. No abusing fellow deer, physically or verbally, if they have ticks or fleas.

9. Slumber parties are limited to 11 deers per party. And the parties must be at least 11 miles away from eachother.

10. Ganging up on one deer is prohibited.

Oh ladies, let us STRIVE to keep the peace amongst us. Rules are rules, but they can and will be broken. Competitiveness between deer can be a loss of love to every deer involved.

RUSTLE GIRLS, DON'T WRESTLE!

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Four: Do Not Use Another Hunter to Alert Your Hunter

Ah Ladies,

This is a serious topic. One that disturbs me greatly. But it is true. There are those of you that would use a hunter that you have absolutely so interest in, to get the hunter that you want. Not only is this low, unspeakably shameful, it is ANYTHING but camouflage. This is not rustling the leaves or cracking a couple twigs...in reality you're sawing off a tree branch with a chainsaw! I mean, a deer on it's hind legs, chainsaw in hand... orange goggles taboot...uhh creepy?

You're breaking some guy's heart who you don't even desire. Oh this looks good, you alert the hunter you want alright, but he finds you with another hunter's blood on your hands??...or your paws or hooves...or whatever you call them. All I'm trying to say is: epitome of UNATTRACTIVE. Anything but alluring.

Suddenly, you're the hunter.

We aren't that desperate ladies! If we were, I would be writing this blog in vain. Jealousy is not the way into a man's heart...usually, it is the way out of it. A leaf rustle, a twig snap, does not involve any other hunters. No machinery. It is your own precious little hoof...hand, paw...whatever..putting pressure on some greenery, and lovingly saying: "Here I am, oh dear hunter - this way, darling!"

(I'm sure in the history log of the last 2,000 years there have been successful man-fetching by the cheatful way of HUNTING the poor men. But this is nothing to place your hopes and chances on...)

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Three: Meekness

Dear Ladies,

My next topic is meekness. Many of you read that word and cringed - it was a sour apple to your eye. But that just means you do not know the true definition of meekness. Meekness does not mean weak, small, or helpless. Rather it is a sly way of pretending to be helpless without looking weak or small.

For instance, NEVER open a door for a guy. Even if he has his hands full, or a broken arm - don't open it for him. He still wants to be manly and gentlemanly. And girls, do the dudes a favor, and let them be gentlemen. Or, in some cases, make them be gentlemen.

Another way of meekness, a more extreme way, is to not take a cart when grocery shopping. I give you ten minutes before some guy is asking if he can get you a cart. Or better yet, carry your things for you.

Another method of meekness is to never wear a jacket. Guy's are thrilled to let you wear their jacket if it's chilly out. A little shiver here, a little shiver there, can help out the situation too...

Okay, but we must draw a line here. There's meekness, and then there's stupidity. If it's blowing snow outside, not wearing a jacket is SO obvious. (Just wear a light one.) And if you're going to the store to do a big shop, it's lame to stand in the middle of an isle waiting for a guy with your hands full when you could be getting your shopping done. If you're really desperate, a tear or two won't hurt a thing.

BUT WE'RE NOT HUNTING. We're just helping with these guys their peripheral vision. ::crackle crackle, rustle rustle::

You're fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Two: Fluff and Retreat

Hello ladies!

Today I am going to talk about our leaf rustling method called "Fluff and Retreat". In my former post, I talked as if we were deer, frolicking through the wilds of that species called men. But in reality, we are human beings. And as human beings, hiding behind trees and drinking out of isolated brooks is a little extreme. But I think you got my metaphor and it's full meaning.

But now we're onto our next method! This method is called "Fluff and Retreat" because you are fluffing a man's ego and rapidly retreating. For instance...

Kemberly: Hi Tim! Playing football again?
Tim: Yeah...how'd you know?
K: Well I couldn't help noticing you have arms the size of a side of beef!
T: Well thanks -
K: And the posture of a gladiator in the days of Ceaser Augustus!
T: Oh, haha, well -
K: But anyways. Hair appointment! Catch you later!

See? You didn't stay and continue to fluff his ego, or wait for him to compliment you. You were mysterious. You were forward, but shy. Bold, but meek. Obvious, but sly. THAT my friends, is Fluffing and Retreating.

But you also must use tact as to when to fluff and retreat. For instance, if a young man is on the war path to the bathroom, or fingering the keys to his car, or flipping his phone open and shut. We don't want to appear like we're begging for attention or phone number, etc...

It's all about suave dearies. Calm, cool, collected. "Fluff and Retreat" is not coming out from under our camouflage, or even being the hunters. It is merely cracking the twigs.

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number One: Camouflage

Dear Ladies,

I know you eagerly await my first lesson, and I am eager to give it! Ah, what a joy leaf rustling can be. And I firstly want to thank you for being my comrades in this. I will humbly share my wisdom, but you must act upon it for it to actually take effect. One thing to always to keep in mind during the whole of your leaf rustling process: MAKE SURE YOU ALERT THE RIGHT HUNTER! Dearies. This is a biggie. Many women have fallen prey to the wrong man, and it is tragic. This commandment ties in with our first lesson, seeing as it can be the result of not heeding this one little word:

Camouflage.

Ladies, let's be honest. How many of us really want to be camouflaged? Can I see a raise of hands? Haha, I thought so. Well, I feel the same way. I want to be seen. I want to be out in the open. I want to alert every hunter in the county and show off my sleek fur. But. This is a mighty downfall. You end up looking stupid. You end up looking like this:

Ready to take a bullet in the heart by some good-for-nothing man! Look at you - you're beautiful, sleek, limber...and on FULL display! For shame women. For shame. Cover yourselves!! Modest is hottest.

This is called camouflage honeys:

YOU'RE watching the men, and able to alert the ones you want to alert. Plus you get to hang with your girlfriends while doing so. Getting input during this time is crucial. Groups are always best. And especially on bathroom runs.

Think: HUNTED.

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman