I Bid Thee...Farewell.

Deer ladies,

On this side of heaven, things must always come to an end at one time or another. There's an end to every syrup bottle and every flour sack. And an end to every happy breakfast and every dirty dish. And I believe a chapter is closing regarding this blog. It's been fun and jolly, but I'm not feeling the motivation or conviction to carry it on.

This isn't some deep decision. And neither is it a moment of insanity. I just have bigger and better things to do right now. I have enjoyed it, and I will always remain your Woman of Wisdom. Feel free to continue to ask for my advice or opinion. I'm more than happy to give it.

Keep up that rustling ladies. Keep it up.

Yours Forever,
The Pancake Woman
thepancakewoman@gmail.com

Lesson Number Eight: Speculation

(This comic really has nothing to do with my topic...hee ho.)

Deer Ladies,

Have you ever had a deer tell you to stop alluring a hunter because they think that that hunter has no interest? Or a doe dead set that a hunter was aiming their rifle at you, and they insist you snap a twig this week instead of just rustling the leaves? Or a doe telling you that you're not mature enough to even consider a hunter? Or a doe telling you that you're more than ready to pursue the hunter of your dreams? And has their so called wisdom ever turned out to be false, and actually complicate the situation so much, that you wish you could crawl under a rock and DIE??

This doe may have given you these false "facts" unknowingly...but that's just it. It was un-verified information. This is called "speculation".

According to the handy dandy Dictionary.com:

spec⋅u⋅la⋅tion - [spek-yuh-ley-shuhn]

–noun

1.	the contemplation or consideration of some subject: to engage in speculation on humanity's ultimate destiny.

2.	a single instance or process of consideration.

3.	a conclusion or opinion reached by such contemplation: These speculations are impossible to verify.

4.	conjectural consideration of a matter; conjecture or surmise: a report based on speculation rather than facts.

But let me clarify. I'm not talking about speculating whether or not you should buy tamatoe juice or plum juice because the nutrition facts aren't listed and you sure don't want to buy the one that has more sugar... I'm talking about drawing conclusions about two people and their feelings and emotions with no evidence of either.

Now, when there's evidence - and by evidence I mean EVIDENCE - then there's the fun of seeing what destiny has in store and that you're having a peek into it. But don't ruin the chances of a doe and hunter by your foolish speculations, and don't ruin your own chances by taking everyone's advice.

I'm not saying that wisdom from other's is a bad thing. It is a good thing! But foolish speculation is not wisdom. So avoid it at all costs by airing on the side of caution and make sure your sources are reliable. The "if only's!!!" in relationships between deer and hunters are what get us in trouble. Don't run away from your emotions - they're natural, and you have to fall in love someday. But harness them and be careful who you share them with. Speculation isn't wrong in itself - it's what it can sometimes produce.

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

(Be looking for my next post about Pre-Rustling!)

(D)are to (O)ver (E)xcite

Deer Ladies,

I give you a poem written by a faithful reader and supporter of this blog. Written from the very depths of his heart and soul. He sacrificed time and effort to create an ode that gave a visual of the struggles and heart aches of a hunter who sought a doe, yet lost her...

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

(D)are to (O)ver (E)xcite.

D.O.E.

by Broken Hunter

I walked through the woods

where the dripping trees sang

softly to my weary heart

and matched the ebbing away of my greatest desire.

Speckled coat, blending into beauty

moved swiftly through the trees of green.

and into the darkness of the unknown

where my greatest quarry now became.

Running along with the ground grasping me

gravity called to my weary man.

yet onward I push with a new desire

to catch up with my angel, this demon I seek.

Quickly she dodges, and smoothly she moves

over and under obstacles take me down.

tears and sweat fill my vision solely fixed,

upon her dew rests and glistens in the half light.

The tears mix with blood as the brush cuts my face

and the rain washes away the semblance of strength

my determination waxes and wanes

as the sight of her I seek fades into nothing.

My burden gets the better of me as I sink into

the unforgiving ground breaks me into

pieces of love lost in the evenflow of weakness

while the mist devours my fleeting sprightly doe.

I lift myself up from the mud and leaves

fallen from the hopeful spring of the year

and brush the dead brush from my coattails and eyes

and glance once more into the depth of the unknown.

She has escaped and faded like the mist in the trees

running over dead and barren branches

dissipating with the new dark of the morning

and leaving desires and hearts to mend.

I stand silhouetted by the bleakness of the morning

a mere shell of the man I started out as.

The strength that rushed has ebbed to a trickle

and my will has left me for another.

The thrill is gone and I feel alone

in this wood of strange shadows and empty

faces flash in my mind and call me on

back to the place from where I started.

I will myself to move and rise, my gait lacks all the pride

My stomach turns inside my head and my steps fade into dreams.

The shadows all have names unknown, they laugh...

I walk this road alone.

Step.

By, step.

And each, step.

I take will, step.

And brings me closer, step.

To the edge of my, step.

Sanity comes on fast and, step.

The mist clears from my vision, step.

And the valley green becomes visible, step.

and stop.

. .. ... .... .....

I see the morning breaking over the hills

and in the break of black I see light.

the hope subsided sides again

and my faint strength faintly returns.

This hunt that was my life breathed in.

fades quicker than the dusk.

and hope like morning fades to strength

and my mind clears with the light.

The mournful sound of the woods to my back

and the glorious light, lights my face.

My heart thaws out from the cold dark night

as it faces this bright and brighter day.

Lesson Number Eight: Desperate Doe and Dodo Doe

Dear ladies,

Today, one thing I am going to talk about is the Desperate Doe. Desperate implying...well, desperate! For instance, what does a deer do when the wrong hunter corners it?

Now you must take it case by case. Some hunters will back off immediatly when you give them the Hoof of Warning. But others will be persistent on their find - no matter how happy or unhappy the "find" may be. Sometimes this is the hunters fault. But sometimes...this is the doe's fault.

If you have been alluring this hunter just for attention, well then, you deserve the awkwardness of the moment when he states his feelings. Cause you were begging for it with all the wrong motives. Very selfish my girl. Very selfish.

But maybe you unintentionally allured a hunter. Genuinely unintentionally. This makes the moment even more awkward and very unpredictable. An honorable hunter will back off immediatly. But, like I said, there are hunters that will stand their ground. What does a doe do?

Run.

Don't frolick, don't rustle, but run. Part of running involves fellowshipping with your fellow does and getting input on how to shake off the hunter in a kind manner. And if he lets up on the chase, don't pursue a "friendship" with him again without his initiation. Let the poor fellow be. And let him initiate a friendship again. Time is the best medicine in these situations. You've done all that you can do.

**************

Q. Pancake Woman,

Have you ever tried peanut butter on your pancakes? What about pickles? I fear I have made a complete fool of myself wrestling the leaves. Whenever the hunter is near, I just say and do the most stupid things. What if he is not even hunting....I am a dork. HELP!

Dodo Doe

A. Dear Dodo Doe,

Thank you for your comment! I have indeed tried peanut butter on my pancakes and I'll eat it every so often. But I am sorry to say that I have never tried pickles. Sounds...intriguing!

Well, deer, I am afraid that you WILL make a complete fool out of yourself if you "wrestle" the leaves. But I shall take that as a type-o and assume you meant to say "rustle" the leaves. Although wrestling them might be a form of rustling them...hmm. Not sure about that one.

Anyways, don't be so hard on yourself. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Firstly, every doe has her stupid moments. And sometimes, depending on the breed of doe, it can actually be attractive. But not usually, so scratch that. You just be yourself. Even when you feel like you look stupid, continue to step steadily. A hunter likes that in a doe. A doe okay with laughing at herself. A secure doe. A confident doe. A steady doe. Stop trying to show off! If he ever goes for you, he'll discover your true colors anyways. So sooner rather than later is what I always say. Show him who you really are.

And if you're not sure he's hunting or not, just crack a twig or two to see what happens. And if nothing does...have patience. He may start hunting soon. And, if I have heard correctly, hunters have their favorite hunting spots. ::waggles eyebrows::

Plus, there is no such thing as a dorky doe. What a crazy notion. Like I said, don't be so hard on yourself. Go eat some ice cream. Take a bubble bath. Indulge yourself deerie.

Cordially,

The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Seven: Hunter Pick-up Lines

Ladies,

My next topic is focusing on the hunters methods. (But I will be doing several lessons involving their tactics, seeing as this is a rather broad topic.) Some methods are completely appropriate and show their true devotion and admiration for you. But other methods, the methods I shall be warning you of, display the true shallowness of character in some hunters. We must be on guard at all times...

One method to be wary of is pick-up lines. Cheesy, gushy, obvious pick-up lines.

(For those of you who may not know what a "pick-up" line is, it's basically a stupid way of guys hitting on girls. And if you don't know what "hitting" on girls means, it means that they are flirting with them. No actual physical hitting is involved. And if you don't know what flirting is, basically it is a guy stating his interest in a girl by beating around the bush with a rather large stick. And if you don't know that "beating around the bush" is a metaphor and that I added "with a rather large stick" for emphasis....I PITY YOU!)

Anyways. Here are some examples:

::a girl drops a pack of sugar:: "Oh, you dropped your name-tag."

"Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?"

"If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be McGorgeous!"

"Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you."

"I hope there is a fireman around, because your smokin!"

"Are you lost? Because Heaven's a long ways from here."

"Your so hot, that when I look at you, I get tan."

"You float my Ark."

"For you, I would slay two Goliaths."

"Your hair is like a flock of goats, decending from Gilead."

"You shouldn't wear makeup-its messing with perfection."

"I bet your name's Mickey, 'cause you're so fine. You're so fine you blow my mind."

"I got you a birthday present ....me!"

"Hey baby, I can tell we both love the same things ....me!"

"Well baby what's it like looking at the man of you're dreams?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?"

"Hey, I just realized that you look a lot like my next girlfriend!"

"You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae!"

"Do you have a map? Cause I got lost in your eyes."

Whew! And those are just a few. I'm warning you ladies, never fall for pick-up lines like those. If they really care for you, you'd think they'd take more time to concoct a phrase that speaks volumes to your heart - rather than a sentence that speaks volumes of their lack of creativity.

Continue to walk in steadfast ladies. Never let a hunter woo you with one of these lines. It's pretty shallow water in that river... and you shouldn't be splashing. It's rustle and crackle babes, rustle and crackle...

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Six: 24/7 Rustling?

Deer Ladies,

Some of you may be wondering...must I rustle the leaves ALL the time? Morning, noon, and night?? Set your minds at rest. There are definitely times to take a break. And those times involve more than just you. Take a girl time! Or. A deer time.

This time not only gets you away from the monotonous task of alerting your hunters, it's a good bonding time with your fellow deer.

Plus, a sudden hush in the thicket is sure to cause some investigation....

"The hunter lowers his rifle. He listens. He smells the air. His heart thumps heavily in his chest. ::THUMP THUMP THUMP:: He advances slowly, quietly, toward the thick shrubbery. He stops. He listens. A bead of perspiration rolls down his leathery forehead. He quickly wipes it with a rough hand. He advances some more. He looks this way and that, not wanting some rabid deer to jump him. ::THUMP THUMP THUMP:: Calm down! He tells his heart. Finally, he reaches the thicket. Slowly, with a shaking hand, he carefully pushes aside the greenery, rifle ready to spring to action. He peeks around the branches into the tiny clearing. The shrubbery sways with the breeze.

Nothing. Just...nothing.

The hunter hangs his head for a moment. Gone. The deer gone. Just like that. Wait. He lifts his head. A smile crosses his handsome features. He will find her. He will hunt her down. He will woo her. Patting the butt of his rifle, he turns westward. A way into a deers heart is a determined hunter..."

See? Hunters love a challenge!! If we aren't always available, then we're playing hard-to-get. And they love it! Part of camouflage deeries. Part of camouflage.

So break open the popcorn and twizzlers and spend some time with your girl friends - er - deers! Away from the hunters. Stop rustling, stop crackling twigs. Stop revolving every moment of your life around the hunter. Leaf rustling is vital to a girl getting her man. But like anything else, you need some refreshment. A little break here and there...

So. I give you permission to take it. ;)

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Five: The Dropping Doe

Hello ladies,

I was inspired for my next lesson by a comment I received today. I quote...

"Pancake Woman-

Thank you for your deer comments (ha pun intended!) They have helped guide me in the right direction. However....I need your help. What does one do when the perfect hunter has his gun ready to go as I am rustling in the leaves pretending not to notice that he is about to shot me, but when he pulls the trigger, there is no bullet. What do I do? Do I run? Do I continue frolicking (this I am afraid would be too obvious). Is it ok for me to run away and leave droppings behind so he can find me again once he has reloaded? Or is this highly un-doe-like?

Sincerely,
Dropping Doe"

I never thought of this. No bullet! Nervous doe. Frolick? Run? Dropping doe. Oh dear.

Alright Dropping Doe (and anybody else who may be asking the same questions), you have nothing to worry about. Firstly, if no bullet is ejected it can only mean one thing...He is not your hunter. He thought he was yours, and you thought you were his. But. Destiny stopped the bullet. Reaction?

Continue to walk in the direction you were walking.

Don't add any extra swing into your step, no frolicking, no running away, and don't...drop anything. If it can be helped. I'm afraid that even if you were convinced he was still your hunter and you left some droppings, that would do anything but encourage his pursuit. A whole nother level of tracking I'm not quite sure these kind of hunters are prepared to do...

Ladies, these are the questions I never want you to be afraid to ask! Thank you dear Doe, for asking.

No dropping...or dripping. Just frolicking and skipping! I will talk of Meadow Time in my next post.

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

The Pancake Woman Q&A

Q. "Dear Pancake Woman,

I have a predicament. There are no hunters in sight! What do I do?

Sincerely,
Desperado"

A. Dear Desperado,

Fear not, dear one. You're not always supposed to see the hunter. When I talked about camouflage in my first lesson, I failed to mention that the hunters are JUST as camouflaged as you are, if not moreso sometimes. But you do have the upperhand. You have the better view; you're more familiar with your territory than he is; and your sense of smell is keener. Check for whiffs of bug spray, axe deoderant, etc. You may discover your hunter is nearer than you thought...

Yours truly,
The Pancake Woman


Q. "this is a sweet blog!! one question pancake woman - what if a deer jumps in front of you when your hunter finally sees you and aims? is there a rule among the deers on this subject that i am not aware of? because i think it is a shameful act."

A. Dear Worried Deer,

I am in complete agreement. Shameful indeed! Competition and cheating between the deer is a topic that is very broad, and I will be covering many of it's assets.

There are DEFINITELY rules for us deer. Rules 4 and 5 would answer your question. But I posted all of the rules for everyone's edification.

Take heart,
The Pancake Woman

The First 10 Limitations of Leaf Rustling

1. When a deer is of age, or maturity I suppose, they are allowed to stake claims upon the hunter of their choice, knowing full well that the only thing that would prevent that relationship would be the hunter's rejection. Another deer is not allowed to interfer with this claim. (Pancake woman here...I believe what this first rule is referring to, is the rule of tactfulness and care for our fellow deer. When a deer states their desire for a certain hunter, it seems rude for another deer to state their's too. But it doesn't mean the deer's affections are void. It merely means giving way to the former claim - but the claim may not be the outcome. Destiny will be the outcome.)

2. If a hunter rejects a deer, then that hunter is viewed as free from that claim. Thus, again available.

3. No deer is allowed to claim more than one hunter at a time. Distressing, I know.

4. No deer is allowed to jump in front of the "Bullet of Love" when it is meant for another deer.

5. But if it so happens that you are being targeted by a hunter, and another deer jumps in front of you to take the "Bullet of Love", you are free to take action. Tail pulling is the only thing strictly prohibited. Hoof stomping, hair pulling, teeth biting and gizzard punching is completely permissible. But ultimately, it comes down to... let the best deer win. (Hi, it's me the pancake woman, I just have to throw in one little comment here. When it says "let the best deer win", it really comes down to the hunter's type. He most likely won't go for the snobby-get-in-the-way-deer, so you really won't have to worry about it. But if he does go for the other deer, move on honey, move on. He isn't worthy of you.)

6. Staking claims on the best hunting areas is prohibited. It's a free country babes.

7. No deer is allowed to belly-flop into lakes without a Flopping License. (Pancake woman again...I just want to say that this rule is very necessary but I am not feeling compelled to explain it since we usually only have this problem with the Greenland breed and I believe they do not have internet access anyways.)

8. No abusing fellow deer, physically or verbally, if they have ticks or fleas.

9. Slumber parties are limited to 11 deers per party. And the parties must be at least 11 miles away from eachother.

10. Ganging up on one deer is prohibited.

Oh ladies, let us STRIVE to keep the peace amongst us. Rules are rules, but they can and will be broken. Competitiveness between deer can be a loss of love to every deer involved.

RUSTLE GIRLS, DON'T WRESTLE!

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Four: Do Not Use Another Hunter to Alert Your Hunter

Ah Ladies,

This is a serious topic. One that disturbs me greatly. But it is true. There are those of you that would use a hunter that you have absolutely so interest in, to get the hunter that you want. Not only is this low, unspeakably shameful, it is ANYTHING but camouflage. This is not rustling the leaves or cracking a couple twigs...in reality you're sawing off a tree branch with a chainsaw! I mean, a deer on it's hind legs, chainsaw in hand... orange goggles taboot...uhh creepy?

You're breaking some guy's heart who you don't even desire. Oh this looks good, you alert the hunter you want alright, but he finds you with another hunter's blood on your hands??...or your paws or hooves...or whatever you call them. All I'm trying to say is: epitome of UNATTRACTIVE. Anything but alluring.

Suddenly, you're the hunter.

We aren't that desperate ladies! If we were, I would be writing this blog in vain. Jealousy is not the way into a man's heart...usually, it is the way out of it. A leaf rustle, a twig snap, does not involve any other hunters. No machinery. It is your own precious little hoof...hand, paw...whatever..putting pressure on some greenery, and lovingly saying: "Here I am, oh dear hunter - this way, darling!"

(I'm sure in the history log of the last 2,000 years there have been successful man-fetching by the cheatful way of HUNTING the poor men. But this is nothing to place your hopes and chances on...)

Your fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman

Lesson Number Three: Meekness

Dear Ladies,

My next topic is meekness. Many of you read that word and cringed - it was a sour apple to your eye. But that just means you do not know the true definition of meekness. Meekness does not mean weak, small, or helpless. Rather it is a sly way of pretending to be helpless without looking weak or small.

For instance, NEVER open a door for a guy. Even if he has his hands full, or a broken arm - don't open it for him. He still wants to be manly and gentlemanly. And girls, do the dudes a favor, and let them be gentlemen. Or, in some cases, make them be gentlemen.

Another way of meekness, a more extreme way, is to not take a cart when grocery shopping. I give you ten minutes before some guy is asking if he can get you a cart. Or better yet, carry your things for you.

Another method of meekness is to never wear a jacket. Guy's are thrilled to let you wear their jacket if it's chilly out. A little shiver here, a little shiver there, can help out the situation too...

Okay, but we must draw a line here. There's meekness, and then there's stupidity. If it's blowing snow outside, not wearing a jacket is SO obvious. (Just wear a light one.) And if you're going to the store to do a big shop, it's lame to stand in the middle of an isle waiting for a guy with your hands full when you could be getting your shopping done. If you're really desperate, a tear or two won't hurt a thing.

BUT WE'RE NOT HUNTING. We're just helping with these guys their peripheral vision. ::crackle crackle, rustle rustle::

You're fellow leaf rustler,
The Pancake Woman